The central part of each wedding ceremony is the exchange of vows, the moment where the marriage is formalised. It’s the place where commitments are made and where deep feelings are expressed. But, during the preparation of the wedding ceremony it also always seems to be a stumbling block.
Often people will want to write their own vows and that is fantastic because each is a unique individual, and each relationship is also unique. Therefore, the wedding vows should be unique. So, I like to encourage couples to go through the process of writing their vows. But then, almost inevitable, they will hit an acute writers’ block because they are asked to outline their promises for their joined future in, say, 10 sentences max. And all of the sudden they feel the weight of what they are about to put into action. And this is scary, VERY scary indeed.
My advice to couples in this situation is to see vows as intentions, not promises. For some this is quite shocking because marriage vows are the most sacred point in the entire wedding day. It is here that both individuals tie their future together, so surely vows are meant to be promises on which you can rely!? True, but viewing vows as intentions gives you much more flexibility in this process for several reasons.
Here you are on the happiest day in your life, the person who is holding your hand so tenderly has never looked so radiant or so lovely, you are both blissfully happy and you feel like you can take on the world. Good, because that is exactly what is asked from you two, to take on the world together. Every day… for the rest of your lives… Today you state your intentions out loud, for the whole world to hear. Tomorrow, next month, and in 5, 17 or 64 years these intentions are not spoken again. Yet, each moment of each day you are likely to make choices based on the intentions you stated in that one point in time; your wedding ceremony.
Intentions give an indication of where you want to go from this point forward. And this is the key phrase because each next ‘this point’ determines the course you are going. A marriage is not a static ‘thing’ but a work in progress, never fully finished and always evolving. At every key point you both need to find the best direction to take. And this might be quite different than the direction you thought you were going yesterday. Life is change and you have no choice but to change with it and your marriage vows will have to keep pace with it all.
Very hard to imagine this on your wedding day, but a marriage is first and foremost hard work. Oh, there will be lazy Sunday mornings in bed, romantic walks and flowers on your birthday or anniversaries, but it is also putting your own desires aside if they are not for the greater good of the relationship. It is dirty socks beside the bed, too many pairs of shoes in the wardrobe, soccer world cup television and Bridget Jones’ Diaries. It is merging two histories, two families into a meaningful whole. Even more so when you welcome children into your relationship and family ties change and tighten.
Hopefully not all the time, but yes, you will fail to live up to your wedding vows at some point. There WILL come a day where you do not give your whole, undivided attention to your spouse. You may struggle with an issue yourself, be under stress from your job or financial difficulties. A family member can be unwell or in trouble, you name it, but life WILL get in the way of all your best intentions. And the same applies to your spouse as well. Understanding and accepting that you are both fallible human beings makes it easier to cope when it happens.
So, when you stand in front of family and friends, holding your partners hands in yours, make your vows in love, faith and trust. Love, because you want the best for your partner, and you are prepared to play your part in providing this. Faith in the strength of your relationship and the durability of your commitment. And trust that you both will hold on to the vows you make on this glorious day.
Knowing that truthfulness brings freedom, we aim to cultivate conscious and clear communication. We aim to speak and listen as truly as we can, being mindful that our words are kind, true, and useful.
We understand the importance of practicing what we preach, and agree to uphold the ethical and practical principles of the spiritual path we follow. We recognize that all paths emphasize the importance of honesty, respecting self and others.
